Smile: The Problem
by lunartick
Summary: Oneshot. Susumu has a job related problem that he has never been trained to deal with, so he goes to Okita for help and well... you'll just have to read to find out. Non yaoi. RandR!


Howdy people! Fifth (I think) installment in the Smile series! Written at two in the night, so my brain is seriously fried right now. And fried brains spew out really random stuff that don't make sense in the morning.

For those of you who hate OCs, well… there are a few in here, mainly the kunoichi. On the other hand, there are so many random kunoichi jumping around about in the story, I guess I can just pretend that the kunoichi in my fic are those that make several cameos in the anime. (Self-delusion is a wonderful thing).

This story is kind of… weird, in my opinion, so I've better explain how my brain spat out this story.

1) Ever realize how Susumu is the only male ninja that appears in the anime?

2) Ever notice how the kunoichi spend a lot of time teasing Susumu, calling him 'little boy' and stuff like that?

3) In Smile: The Education, Susumu was kind of complaining about kunoichi who like to put daggers through his chest.

4) Watching my female cousins tease my future cousin-in-law

5) Watching my friends comfort my other friend who got dumped by her boy.

If you can't figure my list out then it is safe to say that you are a perfectly sane human being. Heh heh… Anyway, do Read and Review!

PMK does not belong to me.

**Smile: The Problem **

Yamazaki Susumu had a problem. It was technically, a job-related problem, and thus he should have been trained to deal with it. However, even while he watched his life flash past him, he failed to recall a lesson that helped him deal with his problem.

Ayumu had given him classes like "Kunai 101: The Kunai Goes Into The Other Person, Not My Own Foot", "What It Means to be a Shinobi: Gather Information and Run Like Hell's Hounds Are After You" and "Cross-Dressing: The Basics of Leg-Shaving". But never ever had Ayumu given him a lesson that went along the lines of, "Kunoichi: How to Avoid Being Physically and Sexually Abused by Them".

It was thus Susumu found himself highly unprepared for the situation he found himself in.

"Get off me," he deadpanned.

The kunoichi straddling his hips giggled and held a dagger to his throat. "Don't be mean to me," she purred, running the edge of the dagger along the length of his throat, "I'm a lady, you know? You're supposed to be nice to me." Her comrades around them laughed, giggled and made inappropriate remarks about the muscularity of his legs.

"No lady would sit on a man like this," Susumu retorted, "and no lady would hold a dagger to a man's throat." In a swift movement, he deflected her dagger and rolled to his feet.

Quickly, he slid into combat position, sliding his sword out and holding it out, prepared for other blows.

The ring of kunoichi around him tittered with laughter. "Isn't he cute?" one of them drawled, "Look at his shoulders? Aren't they just drop-dead gorgeous?"

"Shoulders?" another one replied, laughing along with the rest. "I like his _arms_. Wouldn't you love to have those babies around you?"

"I prefer his chest," another one piped up, "check out those lean, _hard_ muscles. Mmm, delicious." The entire group burst out in high-pitched laughter again.

Susumu shifted uncomfortably, feeling a bit like a horse being sold at the auction market. The decision to leave came easily; he had stayed here long enough, had endured enough lewd remarks to last him an entire life-time. It was time to go.

He feinted to the left then leapt for the right where there were less people. Startled cries followed him then the kunai started to fly. Leaping, dodging, almost resorting to doing figure eights in mid-air, Yamazaki Susumu did his best to dodge all the weapons thrown at him.

"Five points for a hand!" someone called suddenly.

"Twenty points for that yummy chest!"

"Fifty points for the head!"

"A hundred points if you hit you-know-where!"

Susumu groaned, or would have if he wasn't the emotionless cold fish he felt himself to be. He rolled, skidding over the tiles that lined the roof-tops, landing on his knees.

"Twenty! Yay! I hit that gorgeous chest!"

This time, he really did groan as the kunai nicked his chest. He bit down on the urge to yell, "If you like my chest so much, what the hell are you doing throwing kunai at it?" Before he could do that however, one of the kunoichi interrupted by saying, "That don't count. It only nicked him, it didn't stab him."

"Whatever," a whiny voice replied.

"Don't 'whatever' me!" someone else shrieked.

And a cat-fight broke out.

Using that distraction, Susumu slipped away.

Just before he got out of ear-shot however, he heard a voice leer, "You girls are looking too high up. The area I like the best is _way _below…"

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Susumu pressed the cloth against his chest and scowled miserably into his room. Tonight was really not a good night; in fact, if he were to be honest with himself, it downright sucked. And, if he were to be _brutally_ honest with himself, it was the most terrible night of his life. On the other hand, if he were to be _fatally_ honest with himself…

"Susumu?"

The door slid open and Ayumu stepped in, her head tilted slightly as she observed his wound. "That doesn't look too bad," she commented, "just a nick." She knelt next to him and took the cloth from him.

Susumu gave his sister a critical look. After all, despite the fact that Ayumu barely went out on missions, she was still a kunoichi. Did she play "Hunk's Eye" and "What's Your Favourite Part" as well? He hoped not; she was currently tending his wound.

"What's the matter with you?" Ayumu asked, looking up from his chest. "You aren't going to start that whole, 'it's dishonourable to receive a wound while fleeing' thing again, are you?"

"No."

"Good, because it does not become of you."

"I know that."

Ayumu sighed and pulled out bandages from the medicine kit. "So what's bothering you?"

Susumu glowered. He would rather _die_ than let his sister find out Shinsengumi Watcher, Yamazaki Susumu was currently the favourite practice target for the kunoichi around the Kyoto area. And it wasn't just the Choshu kunoichi that bothered him; even the Bakufu kunoichi threw an occasional kunai or boorish remark in his direction, just for the fun of it all.

A smile flittered around the edges of Ayumu's lips. "Susumu, you _do_ know that I am a kunoichi as well, right?"

"Of course."

"And that some of the kunoichi working at the palace do drop by sometimes…"

_Damn. _

"I can handle it."

At that, Ayumu burst out laughing. "Susumu, my dear boy," she chuckled, resisting the urge to throw her arms around him and cuddling him, "I'm so sorry, darling, but you know how it is like sitting up on the roof all day long with no cute guys to look at, except from a distance…"

"No, I don't."

"It's boring," Ayumu went on, unconsciously running her fingers through his hair, "so when one cute male ninja suddenly appears… everyone can't resist venting some frustration on him, you know?"

"No, I don't."

"Blame yourself for inheriting my looks," Ayumu teased, abandoning his hair and starting to work on bandaging his wound.

"It's degrading," Susumu muttered, almost on the verge of sulking (almost, because he still believed himself to be an emotionless cold fish, and would continue to do so until Ayumu dies, leading to him and Tetsu sitting on the roof, and Tetsu crying he starts crying as well).

First-aid done, Ayumu climbed to her feet and dusted down her kimono, smiling amusedly. "Of course, Susumu," she said, "but it's human, no?"

Susumu raised an eyebrow (or half an eyebrow). "I thought we weren't human?" he shot back, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Much to his mortification, Ayumu started laughing again. "My dear, dear brother," she sighed, "please don't tell me you're still at this age where you think women are gross."

The epic battle between Madam Blush and Lord Scowl started. Lord Scowl died a spectacularly terrible death that cannot be described her for the sake of the reader's sanity. "No," Susumu growled, "But that does not mean I welcome their ministrations."

"Of course you don't," Ayumu conceded indulgently. "If it bothers you so, why don't you go and talk to Okita-san about it?"

"Okita-san?"

"Let's just say," Ayumu said mischievously, "your popularity could only be rivaled by him, but he manages to keep the girls off his heels."

And that gave Susumu something to think about.

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"Okita-san."

"Candy?"

"Okita-san."

"Pigs?"

"Okita… wake up!"

Okita mumbled sleepily, forcing his heavy eye-lids open, only to find the Shinsengumi Watcher kneeling beside his futon. "Yamazaki-san?"

"Hai… sorry to wake you up at this hour, Okita-san, but there is something that I must discuss with you immediately."

"Immediately?"

"For the sake of my sanity."

"Ah…" Okita sat up, rubbing his eyes. "That's ok; I get that a lot from Hijikata-san, especially when there's a major organizational reconstruction work going on…"

Susumu bowed deeply. "I'm sorry."

"No… that's ok…" Okita waved away the apology good-naturedly and yawned again. "So, what's it? The Choshu rebels up to something?"

"Eh… no."

"Ayumu has a new boyfriend?"

"No… wait… she doesn't, does she?"

"Not that I know of. Um… Tetsu-kun's irritating you again?"

"Not really, though it is true that page is being the most miserable pain in the… um… that's not what's bothering me."

"Then…?" Okita raised his eyebrows, trying to think of what could be bothering the stoic shinobi.

"Um…" Susumu shifted uncomfortably. "It's… women."

"Women?" Okita's hands flew over his mouth to muffle giggles. "Are you in… _love_, Yamazaki-san?"

Susumu rolled his eyes. "It's the kunoichi in Kyoto," he elaborated. "They… eh… like to… eh…"

"Hound you, tease you, molest you and torture you?"

"Yes! Yes! Exactly! How do you know?"

Okita laughed weakly. "That happens to me too," he confessed.

"Really?"

"Soul brothers!"

"Soul brothers!"

There was an awkward silence then Okita cleared his throat and went on, "So… you came to talk about…?"

"Nee-san says you actually managed to deal with your problem," Susumu said eagerly (while trying not to appear eager), "Can you please enlighten me on how to deal with those miserable, hormonal, kunai-throwing women?"

"Ah…" Okita rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "That is a problem indeed. Well… there are many ways to deal with this problem. Some try to repulse the women by pretending to be gay, but I heard that attracts a… _different_ kind of trouble…"

"Oh, I can imagine."

"And some try to discourage the women by pretending to be attached…"

"Oh really?"

"But, that would probably result in a whole series of comedic misunderstandings, that will eventually end in a very romantic but hilarious ending, usually with you actually falling for the girl you are pretending to be attached to."

"Too troublesome, and quite unacceptable. I refuse to be in love."

"I thought you would say that, so I think the third method should be more suitable for you."

"Third method?" Susumu raised (the remainders) of his eyebrows. "What would that be?"

Okita leaned forward and replied, "Talking to them."

"Talking to them?" (The remainders of) his other eyebrow joined its brother.

"Yes," Okita said sagely, "hold a discussion session with them. Bake some cookies or brownies and bring them with you… then get everyone to sit in a circle and discuss each other's feelings. Tell them how you feel about being molested, and how you feel about having kunai thrown in your direction. Then… ask them about their feelings, why they do what they do, and what you can do to change their minds!"

Susumu stared at the happily grinning First Captain in disbelief. "Let me get this right, Okita-san."

"Hmm?"

"You want me to bake cookies or brownies…"

"Or blueberry muffins."

"Then get those miserable, hormonal, kunai-throwing addicts to sit in a circle…"

"A generally round shape would do…"

"Then talk to them about my feelings…"

"Thoughts, and stuff along that drift…"

"And then ask them for their feelings?"

"Yeah!"

Susumu stared.

And stared.

And stared.

Then shrugged.

"Sure, ok."

"Good," Okita said happily, "so… go on, I'm sure you'll have a lot of preparation to complete."

"Yes…" Susumu bowed deeply. "Thank you, Okita-san."

"No problem," Okita chirped, "Goodnight."

"Good night."

The moment the door closed, Okita flopped down on the futon with a smile. "Good luck with your problem, Yamazaki-san," he mumbled, "It didn't work for me, but maybe it'll work for you. Only… you don't have a double who goes around bullying the general female population into an insane fear of you…"

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The shadow crept across the roofs. Its head jerked left then right, cautiously checking out the coast.

Coast clear.

With movements that could be described as cat-like (except it didn't stop to pee against pillars), the shadow leapt across to another building and sped down the length of the roof.

Suddenly, it looked backwards sharply and leapt to the side, somersaulting, cart-wheeling and break-dancing before landing a distance away, just as five kunai hit the spot it had previously been on.

The shadow scowled into the distance as five dark figures appeared and started laughing down at him.

"Oh my, if it isn't the cute ninja hunk _again_," Figure One said.

"Aw, doesn't he look pissed?" Figure Two commented. "Your cute little chest hurting?"

"I think he didn't like your welcome," Figure Three said, giggling, "but those were some _moves_, baby."

"Hur hur hur, wouldn't you love to see that in a dark, private place," Figure Four leered.

The shadow cleared his throat and lowered a basket to the floor. Awkwardly, he pulled down his scarf and looked at the four kunoichi with as little hostility as possible. "Um…" he mumbled, "My name is Yamazaki Susumu… and eh… I would like to talk with the four of you as politely as possible. Could we all sit in a… generally round shape like… now?"

There was silence as the four kunoichi shot each other startled looks.

"You want to talk politely with us while we sit in a generally round shape?" Figure Three asked incredulously.

"Um…" the shadow mumbled, "yeah. I've got brownies and cupcakes." He lifted the cover on the basket and looked hopefully at the four figures.

The four figures stared at each other again then stared at the contents of the basket.

"Sure. Why not?"

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"… Kick your legs up, twirl your skirts! And the men come marching home…" As the song ended, four voices broke out into hysterical giggles.

"Give me a brownie!" Figure Three squealed, gesturing eagerly to Susumu. The shinobi obliged, passing another brownie to her.

"Watch your waist-line," Figure One teased, "too much of those and you wouldn't be able to jump about on the roofs."

"But these are really good," Figure Three protested, her mouth already full, "yummy. Who knew the cross-dresser could really cook like a woman?" All four of them twittered with laughter again.

Susumu shifted uncomfortably, a half-eaten brownie in his hands. Things weren't exactly going as planned. For one thing, so far, the direction of whatever conversation they were having had been heading more towards the latest cosmetic products. Most of the time was spent on singing bawdry songs Susumu was sure even the Comedian Trio didn't know. And they weren't even sitting in a generally round shape; it was more of a… webby kind of shape. He shifted again, trying to make the shape more or less round.

"Hey!" Figure Two yelped. "Look! It's a full moon tonight!" She gestured excitedly at the sky.

"Cool," Figure Four drawled, "Hey, that reminds me…"

The four of them looked at each other then grinned. "Oh, the moon is rising," they sang, "over the land of Japan! And the women go…"

Susumu cringed and mentally censored off the song in his head. Maybe he shouldn't have put sake in the brownies. Was there even supposed to be sake in brownies? He had forgotten to ask Ayumu.

The four women leapt up suddenly, joining hands and dancing about the roof, giggling. "Oh my virgin eyes," Susumu muttered, covering his eyes with his scarf.

"Hey, Cute Guy!" Figure Four called. "Come on, join us!"

"No… hey!"

The next thing he knew, he was holding hands with Figure Four and Figure Two, and skipping about in a circle. As far as he was concerned, the only good thing about that was that they were now in a generally round shape.

Well, he might as well make good use of that.

"So…" he began, "why do you girls like to torture me so much? I mean… it irritates me, and makes me feel… embarrassed. Why tease _me_?"

Apparently, skipping coupled with a good dose of sake loosened tongues, because Figure Two replied, "Isn't it obvious, cutie? For one, you're cute. For another, you're such a poker-face. It's funny getting a rise out of you."

"Yeah… it's hilarious when you go 'that is un-ninja behaviour'," Figure Three crowed, "it's fun to pick on guys like that. Now, the other shinobi from the Kyoto Patrol actually _flirts_ back, which is just… not fun."

"That's them!" Figure One called, giggling incessantly. "I only wanted to see you smile."

"You expect me to smile when you're throwing kunai at me?" Susumu asked incredulously.

"Oh…" Figure One blushed, "I… I…" Suddenly the skipping stopped as Figure One came to a standstill. "I… I don't know how to make friends…" she confessed then (much to Susumu's terror) burst into tears. "I don't know... don't know how to... tell people when I… I… I… like them!"

Mutedly, Susumu inched away as the other three immediately swooped towards their friend and threw their arms around her, crying words of comfort (such as, 'don't worry, at least you've got _great_ skin' and 'aw, that's ok baby, me neither').

"You shouldn't be sad," Figure Two said suddenly, tears filling her eyes, "I should be the one feeling sad. I… I… I haven't had a _boyfriend_ before!" Immediately, the other three were around her, patting and hugging her as she covered her face and wept.

"I think I'm fat," Figure Three wailed. "I'm _pear-shaped_!"

"And I am in love with this guy from the Choshu but he likes guys!" Figure Four bawled.

As the four girls huddled together, crying and comforting each other at the same time, Susumu stood a distance away and fidgeted uncomfortably. This talk was supposed to be about _his_ problems, not the kunoichis' problems! They were off-topic! He had to get them back on track…

"Uh… Brownies?" he questioned, holding up the basket.

All four leveled stares at him then one by one they headed towards him. Susumu stepped backwards quickly, suddenly feeling like a rabbit trapped in by a pack of wolves.

The next thing he knew, _he _had become part of the huddle as they held on to him and wept relentlessly.

"You're such a nice thing!" Figure One wailed, her arms winded uncomfortably around his neck. "Listening to us… listening to us like this… and… and offering us _brownies_!"

"If you haven't organized this talk, we wouldn't even know we were all suffering like this!" Figure Two sobbed, clinging to his waist. "You must have _sensed_ it! You came prepared with the chocolate!"

"And after we _tortured _you too!" Figure Three bawled, clinging to his leg. "You're so nice! God, you're so nice! And you're so _sensitive_!"

"Much better than that fag!" Figure Four agreed, her face buried into his back. "We promise we wouldn't torture you ever again!"

"Really?" Susumu squeaked, trying desperately to breathe.

"Yes!" Figure One cried, letting go of him suddenly. "You could be friends with us!"

"Friends?" Susumu squeaked, sucking in mouthfuls of god-given oxygen.

"We could take turns baking the brownies!" Figure Two agreed excitedly. "And every week, we could hold a slumber party on the roofs!"

"Slumber party?" Susumu squeaked, wondering if one could get drunk on oxygen.

"Agreed!" Figure Four shouted. "From now on, Yamazaki Susumu is our friend!"

"Yay!" they cried together then simultaneously slumped down on the roof, already fast asleep before they hit the tiles.

Susumu thought about it. He really thought about it. Unfortunately, he didn't quite understand what had happened. Fortunately, he was still alive and unharmed, and they had promised never to torture him ever again.

The Shinsengumi Watcher smiled quietly to himself. As far as he was concerned, this mission was a success. Now, all he needed to do was to go back and thank Okita Souji for his help.

Oh… and he could, at the same time, ask the First Captain the definition of "friend" and "slumber party".

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Down below in a dimly lit room, Yoshida raised a sake cup to his lips and took a long sip. "Suzu."

"Yes, Master?" the white-haired boy replied eagerly.

"You know when you told me we should get rid of those kunoichi?"

"Yes, Master?"

Yoshida paused as four loud thumps signified the phenomenon of alcohol reaching brain and melting it to nothingness. "I think," he went on calmly, "you were right."

"Yes Master."

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Ok, just a couple of things first.

Number One, for those of you who are confused by the kunoichis' behaviour, it's meant to be a parody on how women interact with each other. You know, the mass comforting and chocolate that always takes place after a break-up. Heh heh…

Number Two, the reference to the cat-like movement thing… yeah, that was from Terry Pratchett's Nightwatch. It isn't a direct quote (I think), but yeah… I took it from that novel. (Terry Pratchett rocks by the way)

Anyway, it's time for me totter off to torture some other character. Do leave a review to tell me if you love it or not!


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